Personal Journal.

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I have always been a very reserved and secretive person. Sometimes it gets too much. The emotions, the greens and the blues, they are cooped up in a lot. Thanks to my learning abilities, I have come to realize that sharing is one of the best ways to cure pain. Sharing allows me to understand my problems better. I get a whole lot of perspectives.
But sometimes all you need is a patient listener. Sometimes sharing pain can become a great teacher for you and others to learn from it. This blog can be called such a teacher. Here I want to give myself a challenge to be able to share the many things I have kept a secret for years. So that I can show people a whole new world and myself see a whole new perspective to the things I have seen myself and never got a chance to understand. There may be other dimensions to it.
Honestly being able to share your emotions intelligently in writing is difficult. I believe it can be the greatest challenge to a writer. A writer needs creativity. I need to be intelligent enough to make people interested in reading about my life. I can’t ensure you that you will be interested in my life but I can ensure you that I will do more than I can, to keep you reading.
To keep you interested I can tell you how challenging it is to be able to write the way I am doing right now. It needs a lot of time and efforts. I need a lot of brains to make reading easy but creative and attractive, to make it work like magic to you. Writing is for people with art but more likely you need intelligence for it. You can’t wake up and start writing there’s a lot of editing and thinking going on right here.
For every other sentence you have to stop and think. Making the thinking work is like doing hard labor in the sun. Like when the heat is trying to take your concentration and keeping you from working. But somehow you manage, you always have to when you are a blogger.
:).
I know it’s even harder to write a book. So, do consider this as an effort to gather patience for the big writing storm that’s coming for me and the pleasure of reading that is coming for you. Keep reading and allow me to keep you interested.
Scroll down if you liked my posts, like, share and follow. Comment me your ideas. You can also subscribe through email. Check out my other posts and my website. Thank you.


JOURNAL DAY 1.
Thursday 25 October 2018.
I can’t describe how it hurts when my mom says all those terrible things to me. She has problems with her anger and her attitude of complaining. I keep it in because I have a crazy dream of wanting to be independent, strong and free. She has been an inspiration to me all along. She managed with dad and found herself when no one was there for her. But I was always there. But yet she makes me feel like a disappointment. So does everyone at college. I wish I hadn’t entered. I wish I had taken my admission somewhere else. But I chose this college and now I have to suffer. The truth is I have dreamt so big, I am doing everything I can to make it happen. I am exhausting my capacity and my mom is exhausting my emotions, my feelings. It feels like my intestines hurt and they are going to collapse out. But somehow I manage like I do, always, on my own. I guess when you want something bad even the most unlikely things can make them true, only because you want it.
I still love you mom. Thanks for everything and thanks for not meaning those things you say. Crossed fingers, I hope they are not true.
I have never felt so low. It’s the lowest of the low. I don’t understand. I constantly have health issues. I thought I was out but another issue is back here again. Does the suffering ever end? or will I have to keep on managing. If I have to, I will, I will do whatever it takes and fight till the very end. I will fight till the time I am able, till the time I am alive. It’s a choice. I have made the right one.
I guess I have not been taking care of myself. I care too less. Worry and think too much.
Everyone tells me that’s the problem. But I got myself out of it. It still hurts. One morning happy, really happy, the other I am lying on the floor. I need help. At the end it comes to me I have to manage.


JOURNAL DAY 2.
Friday 26 October 2018.
I wish I could tell you who you are talking to. You are talking to a person who isn’t quite lucky with people. I have been treated low and inferior by many people. But not by my family. Luckily I have the wisdom to understand it’s not true. I am rich. You can call me the richest because my mind and heart, they are rich. And I am fighting and surviving the battle with me. That’s the toughest of the battles. Many fail there. I am making it, living on my own terms and principles.
But I am just so tired of being treated that way. It’s just what people do to each other. They just say things and leave. And in my life the only best thing they ever do is that. People are doing what they do best. They are leaving. Keeping me up with homes, coming to me then leaving me, hanging up on me. Treating me like it’s my fault. Like I am a disappointment. I am not. I love myself. But I am so tired.


JOURNAL DAY 4.
Sunday 28 October.
I feel guilty for doing something wrong. In Muslims relationships are prohibited. I wrote about one. I haven’t published it but soon I hope I will correct that mistake. I feel normal now and I don’t ever want to feel low again. I believe in a higher calling. But it comes with the understanding of gratitude and humility. I have to understand that I have not earned anything, it’s mercy that I have it. I wouldn’t be here if God hadn’t made me able in the first place. I am happy and glad that I only need to please God for my own good. It will be a safety for something far more worst.
I have never disappointed any one since the time I became sincere with my spirituality. I am glad I don’t have to look for expectations, validation, praise, recognition or compliments. All my expectations are from God and he will get all of it from him. What makes me think if he’s provided for me all along, he won’t in the future? I don’t need to worry. I still am going to feel pain. Terrible pain but I am okay because I know bad things don’t have to be all bad, negative and gloomy. I am grateful.
Thanks for your time. And if you have a problem or want to share something, feel free. I am listening. Always <3. :D.

JOURNAL DAY 5.

Monday 29 October.
I work really hard. Nothing come for free even if it’s a gift. You have to work for it. I have given into working till the end. I am happy that I finally have a door open for me to enter. I can become the worlds biggest blogger. It’s my dream but I will need a back up job, just in case this doesn’t work out this way. You know if I have to try writing some where else. But I believe this will come true. I am writing a fiction book and also studying for a literature degree. I am in the middle of exams. Still I haven’t quit blogging. Please keep reading and follow me. I need 72 followers these two coming months.
My heart is filled with excitement and love for writing. Imagining being a writer has always been a dream. I wonder if my book goes viral like J.K.Rowling. I wonder of there will be movies about it. But knowing that I bring my ideas to reality and wrote what I always dreamt about is mire than enough happiness too.I have passed all kinds of phases in life. Like I was a loser, than I was bad, then a jealous girl, than Nailah Shaikh the intelligent, nice, cute and good funny person. That’s nothing. There’s more to come. Good luck to you. Wish good luck to me too. Thanks for being here.

JOURNAL DAY 6.
Tuesday 30 October 2018.
I feel bad once again. My shortcomings get me. Like me being able to sing but not as good as the other out there. I feel a need to be validated and recognized. But I control it.
Following real good things is difficult. People are rushing somewhere else and I am pulling against the wind. You have to be nothing to be something. I am extraordinarily intelligent and my writing is naturally very talented. I am in the middle of getting somewhere. It will always be like that. Life is an ever going journey. I have to find happiness in the process.
Keep writing. Forget everything just write. That’s what I tell myself. I have to become a writer. There’s no other way. I am very spiritual in a manner no one understands but I have to become a writer.
Writing heals and preserves. It gets things out of my mind I want to release and preserves things I want to keep. Why not write? It helps. I need somebody right now. But there’s no one. There’s God but he isn’t a human being. I need a person. A sister or maybe a friend. For some reason I feel horrible. I don’t know what’s wrong. Maybe it’s the side effect of my medicines. But I will be fine I have to stay fine. That’s all on my mind.
If you like to read my really good english, like, share, follow. You can also subscribe through email. Comment me your feed back or anything random. Check out my website and other posts. You can also follow me on social media. All you have to do is scroll down and click.

JOURNAL DAY 7
30/10/2018
11:10 AM

I am mentally fine now but emotionally broken. I have big dreams. I want to be a writer. My life is opening up a new path for me, I can see it. If I can get more than 100 followers in the coming month, it means I have a future in blogging. I have a back up plan. I am studying BA in literature and soon I will enroll for MA in the same. I am happy with my life but because of some reasons although I am grateful, I am emotionally broken down.
I am never afraid but somehow I feel horrible. I can’t let a guy close and I have some diseases, I can’t bring a child to life. You know, how it feels bad.

I want to study but I can’t my mood is off. I studied a little but I am upset about getting ditched, hung up, left alone, and being looked down upon. I can’t relapse into my intrusive though disorder and delusions so I have to let all the thoughts past and not let in. The problem is only serious when it keeps you from doing daily things or anything you love to do. God help me and keep me well. Ameen.



I need to write, think, read and keep acting to keep myself from relapsing. I got out of it like some days ago, I don’t ever want to go back.


Sometimes I feel like ending my life. Although I am grateful, brave enough to survive and I got skills and tacts. I guess that’s what intrusive mean, thoughts and feeling showing up involuntarily and you can’t do anything about it. Like a person you hurts you and you still have to keep them because they are family and a part of who you are.

Share something. Let me know I am not alone writing this journal and trying hard not to do something wrong.

If you like to read my really good english, follow. You can also subscribe through email. Like, share and comment me your feed back or anything random. Check out my website and other posts. You can also follow me on social media. All you have to do is scroll down and click.


JOURNAL DAY 8
Wednesday 31 October.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have everything but I still feel pain. I feel horrible. Something’s wrong and I don’t want to get back to it. I feel suicidal. There is emotional pain in my heart. I don’t want to go see a doctor. He will give me more medicines. I don’t want more side effects. God help me. I am only 19. It’s too early for such kind of pain. Do whatever feels good, that’s what my inner voice tells me. But if I don’t be productive, put something good out in the world, I will feel guilty. I want to write, I want to put forth something good in this world. I want to do that very bad. I have a passion for it.
There’s pain, there’s sadness and there’s no reason for it. I feel like stabbing myself with the knife I see in front of me. But I am no a coward, I am brave, I can’t. I can’t stop crying. What is wrong with me? I remembered and figured all negative things don’t have to be bad. Sometimes they bring good, make you realize something you missed out or inspires you o do something good. That’s what pain is, an inspiration and a motivator. You can’t start a car without pushing or pressing the accelerator.
I have learned all people want is to feel like somebody, somebody praised. somebody considered, somebody valued. They want to be attended, they want to be listened to. Listen, compliment, attend, share and talk to them and they are all yours. That’s the key to the heart.
You can love someone’s appearance, you can make them laugh, you can make them like you. but being liked, listened to is something else. It is a whole new level of love, care, respect and kindness. Look at what your loved ones are doing for you. You will never feel unloved. That’s what all this pain made me realize.
Some where in my heart I want that too. But I don’t expect you to do that, readers. You have your own things to do. I respect that. I guess I will do this to myself and to you. Friends?
If you like to read my really good english, follow. You can also subscribe through email. Like, share and comment me your feed back or anything random. Check out my website and other posts. You can also follow me on social media. All you have to do is scroll down and click.


JOURNAL DAY 9
1 November 2018. CLOSE TO NEW YEAR!
I am a weirdo that no guy likes. I feel terrible. I have never had a single guy in my life. Like, seriously no one. So, I am extra hormonal. I remember back in school 3 or 4 guys did like me but then I kept away from them. I have never revealed to any guy that I liked them. When I love someone, I am loyal. I don’t even look at other guys. But most of the guys that like me, hold interest for a while, then go away with a guy or a girl I really wanted as a friend. Betrayal upon betrayal. Ouch.
There’s somethings that never betray me, books, things I have written, my high morals and God. So I am a blogger but soon I will be: 1] A writer or the world’s biggest blogger.
2] A vigorous reader (book reviews).
3]A good human being ( humanitarian).
4]A spiritual leader.
Step by step. One by one. My dreams never betray me. They grow bigger and bigger and more difficult but virgo Nailah born on 23 September 1999 never gives up. She is nice, kind and sincere. She is a gentlewoman. I am glad, I am getting closer and closer to my dreams everyday. Thank you.
If you like to read my really good english, follow. You can also subscribe through email. Like, share and comment me your feed back or anything random. Check out my website and other posts. You can also follow me on social media. All you have to do is scroll down and click.


JOURNAL DAY 10.
2 November 2018.
I made a promise to someone and I have not yet disappointed. I have turned myself into a gentlewoman. I listened to a speech and realized what I did with my parents was wrong. If I should be anything with any people, it is gentle, kind in speech, words, actions and thought. #What you think about others is what they become to you. Like literally. I have learned to treat people with value and respect.


I don’t know what’s wrong. I asked for unimaginable and worked for it but I felt like this pain like dying. But one of my terms helped get through and support me.
#Never be afraid.
I was brave so I made it. I lost all my work on a novel. But I told myself, I can’t change the past. One thing I have is the present.
#don’t let the past ruin your future. Build success on failure. Make the choice for better thing to happen and work for it. Thanks to my lost, I learned this.


My mother pushed me away and now I live with dad. I don’t know how to mend my bond stronger than the strong it is already. She is supportive and caring but has some anger and complaining issues, it drives people away. I don’t blame her. She’s been through a lot.

But she came out strong and self reliant. I am proud of her. I promised I would stick to her but she was driving me insane. It wasn’t good for my health and studies. I have promised I will mend my bond with her. I need her and she needs me. It’s undeniable. You have got to show love to your family before you or they go.
If you like to read my really good english, follow me. You can also subscribe through email. Like, share and comment me your feed back or anything random. Check out my website and other posts. You can also follow me on social media.

JOURNAL DAY 11
3 November 2018

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.comI am not happy. I feel like I am close to death. I feel horrible. I feel like dying. I am depressed. Can someone hear me? I feel weak but I am actually strong. The only things I can do is read, write, study and pray. Meditation and exercise won’t help. I feel like I am going back to depression again. But I won’t.
Happiness is slowly fading away. All I want to do is read, write, blog and be with my family. I will still get up, be confident and get the highest paying job. I don’t care I earn 2,000 or 3,000. I just want to be with my family. I will die inside but still keep writing. I will fight till the end. It’s not my time yet.


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I am happy. But it’s a strange happiness. I am happy outside but inside I am still broken and I will always be. I am mentally and emotionally a little over sensitive. So, things hurt harder. If I keep up, I will die inside slowly. But I will read, write, become better as a person and become a spiritual leader. I will bring great good in this world.

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I have this amazing idea of starting my own little local business with my sister and join dad with his spiritual speeches. That’s the two things I always wanted to do. I am thinking of writing people uplifting letters, quotes, bookmarks, sell the books don’t need anymore, paintings, photos, calligraphy.
I love how I always expect and dream big for myself and others. That will be a great beginning. Step by step. I got my studies too. I am doing everything. I always wanted to do something of my own. I want to do something independent. Me and my 2 sisters. Wish me good luck. Thank you for your time and reading.

If you like to read my really good english, follow me. You can also subscribe through email. Like, share and comment me your feed back or anything random. Check out my website and other posts. You can also follow me on social media.

JOURNAL DAY 12
4 November 2018.

adult background beach blue

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.comMy uncle came along, he said he didn’t like my idea of blogging. He said I would rather suit a random employee job. I am going to prove him wrong. He hates the idea of sitting at home and doing work. He thinks introverts are useless. Most of the people do, but Jane Austen preferred staying home to write and she was one of the world’s most biggest writers.
I have also heard about Immaneul Kant, he was world’s greatest western philosopher, transcendentalist and modernist. All outing he did was take a walk outside from a small village that was his residence. I read about him, I didn’t understand him. But his contribution and philosophy sounds great. I am going to write too, till the end :). Keep reading.


Today was my last exam. I am glad, I did well. For celebration, soon I am going to be out in Mahableshwar. After all I have been through, I needed a vacation. Luckily, I am getting a chance to have it. My dad’s not coming, he never does. I am going to miss him. And you all readers have an amazing time. I love you all. Thank you so much.
Before I go, let me tell you, thanks for helping me become a better writer by inculcating and cultivating the skills I need for it. Keep reading and I will keep writing better content. I won’t be writing on vacation, of course but I must thank you for your time. After all readers need to find time out of things, writers do their job. Thank you.
If you like to read my really good english, follow me. You can also subscribe through email. Like, share and comment me your feed back or anything random. Check out my website and other posts. You can also follow me on social media. You can also subscribe through email. Like, share and comment me your feed back or anything random. Check out my website and other posts. You can also follow me on social media.


I am getting healthier and healthier. I can’t control my hunger. I am driven by the desire to eat all the time. I have gotten toned. I have no idea if I am fat or not. Everyone here has that doubt. I am not saying fat is bad, but if you can stay fit, why not? I exercise a lot. Like a 100 moves, health is wealth. I wonder what I will have to eat in Mahabaleshwar.
I have got to control my hunger. It’s difficult. I can take anything but starving. I can’t stay away from good food when it’s home. I ate half a piece of dutch chocolate cake. I am unable to control my eating habits. Hopefully, exercise will keep me fit. May God help me.
If you like to read my really good english, follow me. You can also subscribe through email. Like, share and comment me your feed back or anything random. Check out my website and other posts. You can also follow me on social media. You can also subscribe through email. Like, share and comment me your feed back or anything random. Check out my website and other posts. You can also follow me on social media.


11 November 2018.

I returned from Mahableshwar. It was great. I had fun and got a little sick but it was all okay because I was with family.

I went out sightseeing. Visited temples and forts. One fort I remember was Pratapgarh. It was so massive and had about 450 steps. Lol we only walked about ten. It was tiring in the hot sun.

There it was ten times more hotter and colder, 19 degree Celsius.

That didn’t stop us from having fun. We stopped at every sight and we never walked. We took leisure getting dropped from the resort to the sights. We visited historical places and factories.

Over all it was great but sometimes in some places I had problems. I was not well in health. I yet made jokes and made my family smile and laugh.

I am pretty smart with answers, but I am better with words and writing than in speech. I love writing. This holiday experience I am sharing with you, is written with love and joy. I hope you are feeling the same.

I have been wanting a vacation for far too long and now it’s done. Jeesh! It felt like it just started.

My relatives spent their vacation in umrah ( pilgrimage). They shared their experiences with me.

I feel at peace just talking, watching pictures and videos of their holiday. It is marvellous. The mosques are incredible and the feeling of peace can never be recreated.

I am happy now. I have been in pain and I kept patient for the sake of better times, it was pretty great. It turned all the same when I came back home, but it was okay because I had had a great vacation.

Thank you for reading. Like and share if you liked it. Comment me your experiences. Follow me for more. You can subscribe through your email.


12 November 2018.

I had a discussion with my family. We were talking about women’s rights. I thought about it. I know now a days no one cares about temper and analysis. But that is how my mind works. I constantly have to feed it something. That is what I call fun because of my over working mind. Make it think or it finds it’s own things to think about. That doesn’t end well.

So here I go… I thought that what sense does it make for a real noble person looking for the welfare of people and the good of society to exploit weaknesses. It makes no sense. You could have had real welfare if you look for the development of every single person then why look for exploitation?

A noble woman or man or a true leader would always look for the good contribution of people. It develops the society. This means the people who are exploiting us. We all have them, they are looking for themselves, not for us or the society. They are looking for power to satisfy their thirst.

I don’t want to judge, they may be unaware. But we all needed to know this. Real men don’t hit women. And if you are a real woman, the best we can do is to not let that happen to ourselves and not do that to other women or men.

I am glad that people are changing their minds about this. But when I hear about abuse, it saddens me. I can be happy, ” if you are sad, you don’t have to stay sad” is said by my favorite artist and I agree. I am lucky I was born in an open minded family. I swear, I will never abuse anybody. I hope we all do the same. It is so common now, it gets scary.

My problems are alright now. I had ameobaisis. I took some meds and I am okay now. But my discussion is not complete, I have some queries and questions.

Like why is mostly violence against women? And why are people still murdering female babies? I am curious. Don’t they have sense? How will they have children without women? Women are human. Isn’t abusing them dehumanizing? That’s against humanity, isn’t it?

Well, leaving that apart my highlight of the day is that my father came back home from Aurangabad and my sister finally got a job. I am getting close to a 100 followers and soon I will start commercializing my blog on Pinterest, Facebook and Instagram.

My second highlight is that I got some presents from my holiday. I will soon be unpacking them. I will upload the photos of them and my holidays. Hope you guys have fun. xoxo.

Thank you for reading. If you liked it, like and share it with your friends. Follow me for more. Comment me your feedback. You can subscribe through your email. Check out my website and my blog.


14 November 2018.

I am home and better times have come. I feel happy, better than before. The thing is I had some kind of sicknesses but through will power I got better. This is what this blog post is about today, will power.

If you are an Indian or have interest in Bollywood movies, you must know about the movie Sanju. It’s about this Bollywood celebrity who had a tough life and how he overcomes it through self belief. I watched it. It’s all about will power.

Shows just how strong you can be if you are determined and really intend to do something. I have heard that when you will to do something, some or the other way you end up doing it.

Also that when you truly want something all of creation comes together to give you that. I have experienced it.

“Where there is a will there is a way”.

If you want something bad, you need to have strong will power and spirit. And not just any will, we need a goodwill. There’s nothing as strong as a goodwill and the courage to turn that into something.

I have good will and courage. But I struggle with it, it’s some kind of mental issue. I panic pretty easily. But anyway the point is that the power to make anything possible is in goodwill. And I wanted to mention that just to let us all know what we can really do if we believe in ourselves.

The other thing is I was reading an awesome book about people who did some extraordinary things. There was this woman who used to ride a bike. There were challenges she had to brave and all that really helped was her will power, her determination to do something and she succeeded.

She did extraordinary things. Imagine what we could all do together if we believed in ourselves. It is unimaginable.

I was sick with bad eating habits. The only thing that helped me out was my will power. I could face it. All I had to do was say no when I realized I was going to the extreme. This is what we need to learn through will power.

Thank you for reading. If you liked it, like and share it with your friends. Follow me for more. Comment me your feedback. You can subscribe through your email. Check out my website and my blog.


16 November 2018.

I am feeling great. There’s no pain today. Alhumdulillah. I opened a new page. I am advertising mom’s business. I am thinking of earning money through that. Yes, I must expect reward only from Allah but I need money.

I always wanted to be independent. It’s my biggest dream. I hope I will soon have that. I am working for it, really hard. 2 or 3 blogs everyday.

I am so happy today. Doing good things makes me happy. The peace is incredible. Nothing can reciprocate it. Thank you parents for letting me live my dreams by giving me knowledge and care that I needed. Thank you for keeping close to me when I was down.

Thank you for giving me hope by keeping me alive and well, God. Thank you sister for giving me the experience I needed. Thank you all for everything.

My highlight of the day is that I got a lot of likes on my advertising page and soon of if I stay constant, I will have customers and clients for mom. A lot of them.

My second highlight is I am well again. No amoebasis. I am doing very well now. I know another problem will show up, but good things will happen at the same time and I will be waiting for them. I will stay patient and I will face the problem. Next time I will be prepared. Let what troubles are going to come, come to me. I will be ready.

Thank you for reading. If you liked it, like and share it with your friends. Follow me for more. Comment me your feedback. You can subscribe through your email. Check out my website and my blog.

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