Nailah, why do you get yourself caught up in things you know are going to hurt you? Why do you want things you can’t have? Why are you always up to things that you know won’t go well? I asked myself as I was cleaning the mess I make all the time. I was getting my house all cleaned up, making conversations with people I know won’t ever like me, getting engaged in unsupervised and unimportant matters. My life’s always been complicated to me. I can’t seem to get it all together, somehow when I try to make things better, I mess them up even more.
But I can’t become a girl who lives small. My heart, mind, body and soul won’t let it be that way. Somewhere inside I have a rebel streak, whatever I do, this rebel streak wants to make it big and worthwhile.
My imagination is big, so I want a life that keeps me so into it that I won’t have to look for anything that separates me from it. But I am such a mess, such a sucker to make life worthwhile that I have become so full of passionate dreams.
There’s so much sadness yet I am waiting for the moment when I have everything I ever wanted. Yes, I am disciplined and cautious about safety but some dreams drive me crazy for them. I can’t help but want them bad totally, completely and in every way possible.
Yes, I have sides to me that sometimes make me become a control freak. I go mad. My potential can’t stay within me. It has to be occupied with something or it will search for it’s own direction. I have to reason or I will head to the wrong one. I work like a machine and exhaust myself. Sometimes I go crazy.
I use my rebel for great good things, but how long can I keep the calm and the control? I will have to make the best out of me, make a meaning and make a purpose. But that’s just a side of me. There’s a classic standard me then there’s a messy me. I mess up a lot and get so confused. Tell me I am not this alone.
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